I’m Hungry…

…and slow.  Because after ten years of making Fasting a relatively regular part of my walk with God, I’ve only NOW (like, an hour ago) figured out what the point of fasting is.  I mean, like, REALLY figured it out.

I mean, I always kind of knew.  All the usual reasons: “man does not live on bread alone,” and Jesus fasted so we fast, makes us reliant on God, grants humility, helps us understand Jesus’ pain and suffering, etc etc etc.  And while all of these reasons made sense, fasting has always felt like 10% actually connecting with God (if only because I spend the mealtimes in prayer instead) and 90% checkbox (because it’s what a “good” Christian should do).

Why do I really fast? Fasting is supposed to teach us (among other things) how to depend on God, right?  But how?! Cuz honestly, it’s a struggle to even focus about God when all I can think about is how HUNGRY I am!  Today especially.  Usually I can at least make it to lunchtime before I start to notice I’m skipping meals, but today at like 9am on the dot my stomach was already growling.  Come ooonnnn.

So now I’m cranky because I’m hungry which then makes me crankier because I’m messing up Jesus’ instructions to “not look gloomy like the hypocrites [who] disfigure their faces…” (Mt. 6:16).  Granted, no one can see me right now cuz I’m at home, but let me tell you: GLOOMYFACE.

Do I lose another 50 points for blogging about it?

But as I struggled to not get distracted by food for the 24th time in the last hour, it suddenly hit me: this, this increasingly disturbing need to get something in my belly, is what my hunger and desire for GOD is supposed to feel like. My connection with God (i.e. the source of my spiritual food) should be what my day is built around, should be what gives me life and energy and non-crankiness.  And when I don’t get that sustenance, it should be ALL I can think about.  Every moment should be filled by an awareness that I haven’t eaten and thoughts of what I need to do in order to get food.

Now I know why I fast: being hungry physically has shown me how much I need spiritually. If half a day of not eating makes my physical body feel like this, what’s the state of my spirit when I go a whole day without properly connecting with God?  Or a whole week?

Which then brings us to the sad truth that, actually, I’m not near so bad after a morning of half-baked-QT as I am if I go without coffee and breakfast.  Honestly, I’m just not that sensitive to even my own spirit and not quite that desperate for the Lord’s.  SADFACE.

But that hunger, that desperation, that all-consuming need to be with the Lord, connect to the Lord – I realize I really do want that.  I want to be so dependent on sustenance from God that going without cannot stay ignored or unanswered. I want each new morning to be directed by the need to connect with God (and not just consume caffeine).  I want to WANT HIM.  MORE.

For the first time today I’ve really appreciated (at least spiritually if not physically) fasting and what it has done in my heart.  See, what’d I tell you?  So slow am I.  Better late than never?  I guess this means I’m gonna keep doing the fasting thing.

May God bless you with a beautiful Easter weekend, filled with hunger for him.